I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
