I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
