she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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