I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
