I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
