I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
