I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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