From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
