Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
