my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
