I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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