you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
