feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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