last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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