and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
