I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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