Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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