Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The adults are the big ones right?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
