You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
