I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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