My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
