2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize