So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
