U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just gift wrapped bread.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
