there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
