he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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