I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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