Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
