twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
