fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
