Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Mom said you looked used
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
