I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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