my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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