You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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