I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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