My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you traded sex for a burrito?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
