i permit you to call me
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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