I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
