new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
