Operation Purity has been aborted
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
