Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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