It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
