If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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