my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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