I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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