Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
