OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
