Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
