I just threw up on my dentist
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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