The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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