Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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