when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
