he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
