Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
