I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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