I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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