he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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