I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize