I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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