Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just threw up on my dentist
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize